Good Song: Christmas Shoes by Newsong
Bad Lyrics: All right, I’m pushing it with “good song” on this one, but it pains me to know some people may not be aware of the magic of Christmas Shoes during the holiday season. It is also an all-time bad lyrics champ.
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Here’s the crux of Christmas Shoes: kid wants to buy shoes for his mom for Christmas. Got it? Good. Now let’s get dark.
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
Daddy is a realist, apparently. No cushioning this kid from the harsh reality of the moment - gonna be a fun household once Mama passes on.
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
It seems a little shallow to think even dying women are crazy for shoes.
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight
Sounds more like Mama sent this kid on a mission for shoes so she could vamp it up for Jesus.
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about
Yes, God sent a boy with a dying mother to buy shoes in front of you to teach you the meaning of Christmas. The boy’s disease-ridden mother: just a bit player in this passion play.
Good Song: Where Are You Christmas? by Faith Hill
Bad Video: This How the Grinch Stole Christmas tie-in charted high despite this terrible video.
0:23 - Don’t be said, Cindy Lou Who: it’s a friendly snow witch.
0:47 - Faith, can I recommend wearing a scarf?
1:30 - The next day’s headline read: “HERO DOG SAVES FAITH HILL FROM SUICIDE ATTEMPT.”
2:31 - This song presents a pretty serious avalanche risk, Faith.
3:14 - Crimping somehow fell out of fashion immediately after this video.
Good Song: Vertigo by U2
Bad Lyrics: A major hit for the boys from Ireland with some of their least sensical lyrics of all time.
Uno, dos, tres, catorce!
That’s one, two, three, fourteen. Off to a bad start, fellas.
Lights go down, it’s dark
It frequently is when the lights go down, Bono.
I’m at a place called Vertigo
(Donde esta?)
Vertigo, Iowa of course: home to rolling green pastures and kind, friendly folk.
The night is full of holes
As bullets rip the sky
We call those stars! They’re not holes - they’re just very far away.
I can feel your love teaching me how
Your love is teaching me how
How to kneel, kneel
Can’t be that long a lesson, can it? “Go down a bit. There, you’re done!”
Good Song: The Reign by Ja Rule
Bad Video: One of Ja Rule’s most ambitious videos with a special guest star.
0:54 - “All right, make this guy listen to a loop of “Africa” by Toto til he cracks.”
1:32 - “Mr…. Rule, is it? What do you think Murder Inc. might be planning?”
2:09 - “All right, great job doing our police work today, guys! We nailed it!”
2:46 - “Ma’am, I have a coupon for one free Murder Inc. studio tour that I printed off the Internet.”
3:41 - “Dude, can you stop rapping for like ten seconds? It’s hella loud in here.”
5:08 - “How could this have happened to someone from Murder Incorporated?!”
Good Song: Ticks by Brad Paisley
Bad Lyrics: A certified Gold record in the US, Ticks is one of the more disgusting love songs I can think of.
Everytime you take a sip in this smoky atmosphere
You press that bottle to your lips, and I wish I was your beer
You mean room temperature and painfully domestic?
And in the small there of your back, your jeans are playin’ peek a boo
I’d like to see the other half of your butterfly tattoo
Butterfly tramp stamp? Watch out, Brad - this girl sounds way trashy.
I’ll keep you safe, you wait and see
The only thing allowed to crawl all over you
When we get there is me
You’re making this date sound real appealing, Paisley.
I’d like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
and I’d like to check you for ticks
You know, if you’d both wear more appropriate clothing for walking through a field of wildflowers, this wouldn’t be necessary.
Oh I’d sure like to check you for ticks
All right, we get it, ya weirdo. You loooooove ticks.
Good Song: I Love New York by Madonna
Bad Lyrics: Suggested too many times to ignore, I Love New York was never a radio single, but did come off the platinum Confessions on a Dance Floor album. Perhaps these lyrics can demonstrate why it never made the cut.
I don’t like cities, but I like New York
Other places make me feel like a dork
Off to a bad start, here.
Los Angeles is for people who sleep
Everybody sleeps, Madonna. Even you.
Other cities always make me mad
Other places always make me sad
No other city ever made me glad except New York
And yet, you managed to live in London for many years. Were you constantly mad and sad while there?
If you don’t like my attitude, then you can F off
Just go to Texas, isn’t that where they golf?
No, you’re thinking of Florida. You should know it - it’s full of dorks.
Good Song: No Such Thing by John Mayer
Bad Lyrics: A early high-charter for Mayer with some more regrettable lyrics.
“Welcome to the real world”
She said to me
Condescendingly
Is there a way to say this un-condescendingly?
So the good boys and girls take the so-called right track
Faded white hats
Nothing says “promising future” like a faded white hat.
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can’t find the answers
I see what you did there, John.
I am invincible
As long as I’m alive
You’d really only be able to make use of invincibility while living, I think.
I just can’t wait til my 10 year reunion
I’m gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for
He used it to become invincible! He also took a Learning Annex course on busting down doors.
Good Song: Obstacle #1 by Interpol
Bad Lyrics: One of many great cuts off the first Interpol album that, upon reflection, seems sort of insulting.
But she can read, she can read,
She can read, she can read, she’s bad
Oh, she’s bad
You guys have some weird taste in women. I, personally, enjoy a literate lady.
It’s different now that I’m poor and aging
I’ll never see this face again
You go stabbing yourself in the neck
You think this girl you just insulted is going be that broken up about you getting old? Good lucks, fellas.
Her stories are boring and stuff
Ah… le mot juste.
She puts the weights into my little heart,
And she gets in my room and she takes it apart
Well, stop calling her stories boring and hating on her reading!
