Good Song: Christmas Shoes by Newsong
Bad Lyrics: All right, I’m pushing it with “good song” on this one, but it pains me to know some people may not be aware of the magic of Christmas Shoes during the holiday season. It is also an all-time bad lyrics champ.
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Here’s the crux of Christmas Shoes: kid wants to buy shoes for his mom for Christmas. Got it? Good. Now let’s get dark.
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
Daddy is a realist, apparently. No cushioning this kid from the harsh reality of the moment - gonna be a fun household once Mama passes on.
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
It seems a little shallow to think even dying women are crazy for shoes.
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight
Sounds more like Mama sent this kid on a mission for shoes so she could vamp it up for Jesus.
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about
Yes, God sent a boy with a dying mother to buy shoes in front of you to teach you the meaning of Christmas. The boy’s disease-ridden mother: just a bit player in this passion play.
Good Song: Where Are You Christmas? by Faith Hill
Bad Video: This How the Grinch Stole Christmas tie-in charted high despite this terrible video.
0:23 - Don’t be said, Cindy Lou Who: it’s a friendly snow witch.
0:47 - Faith, can I recommend wearing a scarf?
1:30 - The next day’s headline read: “HERO DOG SAVES FAITH HILL FROM SUICIDE ATTEMPT.”
2:31 - This song presents a pretty serious avalanche risk, Faith.
3:14 - Crimping somehow fell out of fashion immediately after this video.
Good Song: Wonderful Christmas Time by Wings
Bad Video: We love Sir Paul, but this video is suffering from a serious overdose of Christmas cheer.
0:05 - Animated man made out of stars. Starting out subtle, I see.
0:36 - Paul makes his guests watch videos of him performing at other parties. A little gauche, don’t you think Paul?
1:15 - The Space Choir sang backup on a lot of seventies holiday hits.
2:06 - Christmas punks would forcibly decorate most of London during December.
3:04 - This giant gift will kill us all! Nooooooo!
3:10 - Oh, it’s… it’s just Wings. Forget it everybody!
Good Song: Round and Round by RATT
Bad Video: Another ridiculous hair metal classic from the early days of music videos.
0:15 - RATT just finished their paper route and parked their bikes before shooting this video.
0:33 - “No? No one hears guitars? I guess I’m the crazy one, then.”
1:17 - The butler’s not into metal; he’s just a leather daddy.
2:16 - “Rats? With a white wine?! How horrible!”
3:35 - The power of Ratt seems to have transformed this young lady into Gozer the Gozerian.
3:52 - Beetle Bailey was the lead singer of Ratt until he re-enlisted for Desert Storm.
Good Song: Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car by Billy Ocean
Bad Video: Another picture of 80s excess.
0:32 - Billy, I’d put the top up before you drive into a car wash.
0:42 - The frequently-seen “women taking off a jumpsuit to reveal a cocktail dress” fetish of the 80s.
1:12 - What did I tell you?! There goes the suede interior.
2:30 - Yep, nothing terrifying about these singing gas pumps with their full, pouting lips.
3:20 - Should I know who this duck is, other than an obvious copyright infringement on Daffy?
3:50 - Let’s get this straight: Billy Ocean is watching a movie of himself singing one of his own songs. Then the movie Billy Ocean comes out of the screen to the obvious delight of the actual Billy Ocean? COME ON!
Good Song: Pray by MC Hammer
Bad Video: One of Hammer’s highest charting songs with a video that falls a little short.
0:10 - The Chapel of Breaking It Down Old School.
0:48 - The nineties were an… interesting time for fashion.
1:06 - This fellow seems to be missing the message of Rev. Hammer’s homily.
1:55 - We may need a more targeted solution here than prayer: something like, for instance, police action.
2:24 - Are these better or worse than the last pair of pants?
3:08 - Another touch football game foiled!
4:39 - Hammer didn’t hire this choir; they just love to practice in front of fountains.
Good Song: Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler
Bad Video: A Top 20 hit worldwide with a boldly ridiculous video.
0:10 - It appears that a neon cowboy is whipping a house on fire. We’re off to a good start, people.
1:03 - Some hero, Bonnie - he teleported you on top of a desolate cliff.
2:02 - These men are threatening you with Cool Mint dental floss, apparently.
2:50 - Next time, maybe we can shoot the chase scene during the day?
3:24 - Great singer; unexpectedly spry mountain climber.
4:31 - You have to die in service of Bonnie Tyler to be able to join her celestial choir.
